Hello, my darlings. I come to you now from my phone, on my “couch,” with a mild fever and in a bit of pain. But fuck it. I bet a head cold never stopped God from creating the world, so I can manage a shitty blog post about Ever After.
I just watched Pacific Rim and I loved it to pieces. But I can’t think of anything to say. Go ask Tumblr. I’m sure 7 people loved it, 2 found it racist, and 1 hasn’t seen it yet. Pretend I used percentages there because we’ve gone too far.
Anyway, I watched a good movie and then went, “Life is the worst, I’m going to fall asleep watching a movie.” This is what I do when I’m sick, distressed, bored, or am not tired but don’t want to commit to a whole movie.
Because I can’t fall asleep watching a movie while paying attention, I try to pick a movie that I know well but don’t find distressing. That leaves Ever After.
I love Ever After. Other than my adolescent feelings about Drew Barrymore — which are perfect and meant to be, by the way — its just. It’s nice. There’s a prince who learns not to be a giant douchebag. There’s a common girl who gets to engage her inner princess and fucking waltz around in glitter and fairy wings.
I mean, it’s not great. It’s ridiculous and hammy and Drew Barrymore I’m not buying that accent. But whatever. I love bad movies.
I also sort of hate Ever After, in the same way all romances sort of leave me elated and warm and indescribably lonely. But that’s what they’re supposed to do, so no worries.
It’s about fucking Cinderbarrymore.
No, not having sex with her. Fuck you, you knew what I meant.
Okay, you see, it’s about projecting yourself onto a movie and then remembering that real life is a shithole and then you decay until your bones are dust.
Here we have Danielle, who is coarse and bookish. I bet people would call her sturdy. If you’re a certain kind of girl (read: me, we’re talking abut me), you get this thrill from seeing her get to be awesome and smart while wearing a pretty dress. She gets out of the rut of other people’s perceptions. She gets to be delicate without being treated like she’s weak.
The movie even embraces that reality is shitty. It does not let this girl (meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) be anything but common and sturdy. She’s turned away when her true identity is revealed. Her family doesn’t change. Her life doesn’t change. She gets sold off to a gross creeper because he is the only one who sees her as valuable. WHAT UP REALISM.
Just kidding, the prince has character growth, begs her forgiveness, and they live happily ever after.
Whatever. We’re not Cinderella, dear reader. That’s fine. So few people are. We can relate to Jacqueline. That character isn’t bleak at all.
Maybe I should start watching Shaun of the Dead before bed. Oh God, my whole head is stuffed with cotton.