Shaking Loose

I’m gonna try to keep it together here, but I’ll be honest with you — I didn’t sleep last night, and I’m feeling very off-kilter.

I’m exhausted. And not just in the, “Hey, you were up all night,” way, but just in general. I’m emotionally worn straight through. It happens every so often, these pits and holes and that constant litany in the back of my mind — you don’t matter you don’t matter you don’t matter. Being totally conscious of the cycle and aware that it’s happening does not seem to be very helpful, so that sucks. And I’m decently certain everyone does it, so the angst isn’t even unique, and then I just feel bad about angsting. I

‘ve been trying to scatter the emotional outbursts this morning over a series of social networks, the end result being that my every profile looks vaguely like disjointed drunken rambling. (In my defense, at a certain point in tired doesn’t everyone feel a bit drunk?)

But there was this moment. It was just a little after 6:30 and I’d pretty much given up on sleep. Miles has crawled into bed, insinuated himself between Andy and I — it’s his thing, lately — and then tried to overtake Andy’s pillow. I decide to abandon the bed, and take the Kindle into the living room.

There’s this time before dawn, especially overcast as it was this morning, where it’s still dark enough that I need the book light, but light enough that there’s some grey filtering through the blinds. No one else is awake in the apartment, though I can hear my neighbor leaving for work. It’s quiet and dark and really very soothing.

I need about two days of pre-dawn grey with a book. Or rather, two days to just focus on anything without the To Do list looming over me, or having to stop every 15 minutes to handle something for the child or the cat or because my body requires food occasionally. It feels like these days that I’ve always got one foot into the next task, trying to complete what I’m doing as fast as possible and move on to the next of a million things that needs to get done. And you know what I do when I’m overwhelmed?

I shut down. I start running on the bare minimum, which of course exacerbates the “DO ALL THE THINGS” spiral. I think I’m coming out the other end of “INTERNET FOREVER” right now, but it’s hard to say.

So, this is in part why I’ve been such a piss-poor blogger these days. Sorry that this post is barely related, but I’m hoping that by doing, maybe other things will start shifting loose in my brain.